The Paper Trail

In 2021, I had grand plans for my writing.

I was going to write short stories and send them to magazines. I was going to edit two novels and maybe start another one. I was going to get my writing career in motion – because that’s exactly what a 19-year-old college student needs to be focused on.

Instead, I started the year exhausted. And by March, I wanted nothing to do with writing at all.

You probably noticed my articles have been drifting off from the weekly schedule. And maybe they’ve been getting a lot shorter too.

To be honest, for the past couple of months, getting any written word out of my head has been like pulling teeth with tweezers coated in acid. That is to say… hard and painful.

I didn’t have any ideas for anything. Not a story nugget for a short story. Not a single drop of inspiration for another novel I could write and then abandon to the confines of my laptop’s memory.

And I’m not saying I’m no longer in this position. I am. Writing doesn’t seem like much fun anymore. And every time I think of all the time I’m not spending on writing, I feel an icy cold dagger bury itself deeper into my heart – guilt maybe, or sadness that my longtime writing dreams floated so easily from my grasp.

It’s obvious to me now that writer’s burnout doesn’t have a quick fix. I can’t just drop my writing for a week or two and somehow return with the exuberance I had when I was twelve. Because it’s not just the pressure of writing affecting my inspiration… it was school, and being away from family, and being stressed about the pandemic, and constantly worrying about my future career.

And naturally, I haven’t really removed any of those obstacles. I’m still planning on taking a summer class. I still worry about my future career. I’m with my family now, at least. And I’m vaccinated, so that’s good. But my brain is still panicked about all the productive things I’m not doing… writing being one of them.

I’m sure you’ve felt this way, at some point in your life. Just… tired. Out of it. Your brain ready for a six month vacation followed by another six month vacation somewhere else. But what can we do, when we can’t actually drop what’s stressing us out?

Prioritize

Unfortunately, those stressful things with deadlines have to come first. They just do.

So I can’t drop my summer class. And I need to keep going to work.

But perhaps we fall victim to thinking everything is a priority when it really isn’t.

I’ve been told over and over that if I want writing to be a career, I need to prioritize it. I need to make it just as important as school and work. I need to squeeze every ounce of productivity out of my time.

My response to that was to make a list of goals. Just three or four per year. Last year, I think I completed two of them. This year, I haven’t even started making progress on any of them and it’s almost the halfway mark.

I also latched onto the idea of consistency. The only way to succeed is to be consistent about it. Write most days. Write for a specific time. Push through the writer’s block. Push through the terrible parts of writing and never, under any circumstances, acknowledge that for the past year, writing hasn’t given you even an ounce of joy – not even when you finished a story.

Goals and consistency are important. I can’t expect to get better if I’m not reaching for something consistently. I won’t magically become a better writer by writing every couple of months when inspiration strikes.

But life is supposed to be enjoyable, right? At least, for the most part.

And if your priorities aren’t giving you joy… why are you doing them again?

I go to school because I need to. For my future. But also because I actually like to learn. I don’t like the grades so much… but if I walk away from a school day having learned something new, then it’s been a good day.

I go to work because I need to. Because I’m depended upon. But also because… it’s kinda fun? I mostly make spreadsheets and count jewelry beads. But I also get to see beautiful jewelry. I get to have a unconventional, flexible job that I actually like going to.

So yeah… my priorities with deadlines are enjoyable. I can justify doing them.

But what about those other things that are joy-sucking? Those things that act like vampires in life.

Why continue those things if there’s zero joy involved? Priority isn’t just based on need, but quality of life.

For me, I needed to learn that writing couldn’t be a priority for me. Not right now. Maybe not in 2021 at all. (No, this doesn’t mean I’m going to stop blogging.)

I want to be a writer. But that’s all theoretical right now. Because lately, the English language has been the bane of my existence. Lately, I’ve had zero ideas. I’ve had zero energy to try to come up with ideas.

There is a point when what you think is a priority gets pushed too far. Then you fall into burnout territory. And if you keep pushing yourself (as I have), then that burnout just continues to get worse and burn the whole metaphorical house down.

Prioritize what is actually a priority. Something that brings joy and makes life better. All else can wait.

Pause

That’s not to say those vampire things aren’t important aspects of life. They just need to be controlled.

I want to be a writer. But every relationship needs space sometimes. So me and English have been giving each other space.

I’m not abandoning writing forever. But I’m not setting a date for when I’ll jump right back into writing either.

Many of my writing mentors have advised taking breaks with an end-date. But I think that advice goes for people who can identify when they need breaks. Not someone who thinks pushing through the pain will work every time.

If that thing that’s draining your soul actually needs to be part of your life, you’ll circle back around to it.

If I’m meant to be a writer, then my brain will circle back around to story ideas, beautiful prose, and publishing dreams when it’s ready to. Until then, my job is to patiently wait.

Pressing pause on some aspects of life is not the same as deleting. I think people (including me) mix that up a lot.

We live in a fast-paced world. Instant gratification. Instant satisfaction. Prevalent boredom when one dull moment goes unfilled.

When I’m not productive, I feel guilty. Like… super guilty.

I wonder: Am I wasting my time? What if I’ll never get another opportunity to do this again? What if I’m being lazy and I’m not actually burned out? What if pressing pause eventually turns into giving up forever?

But filling life with more life-giving routines will always be more productive than continuing life-draining practices. Every now and then, I like to remind myself I’m stuck with me forever. I’ve got to take care of myself.

So maybe I write when inspiration (rarely) strikes. And maybe for the 97% of time I have left, I do what makes me happy. Productivity isn’t getting things done… it’s having a good day.

I might always have that little piece of me that feels guilty for pausing my dreams of becoming an author… but for the sake of my sanity and happiness, I need to set my sights on more productive things for this season.

Play

When burnout throws us down a set of stairs, the most important thing we can do is refill the well that’s dried up. Maybe your interpersonal well needs refilling, so you take some alone time (for introverts) or hang out with some friends (for extroverts). Maybe your intellectual well is empty, so you read a good book or watch a documentary.

For me and my writing burnout, my creative well needed to refilled.

At first, I felt like I was wasting my time. And I still kind of feel like that, except now I’ve committed more fully to the whole “be creative” remedy after finally realizing I’m not supposed to feel so worn out.

I don’t know what refilling your well looks like, but it should be something enjoyable. Something that fosters inspiration and excitement in the thing that you pressed pause on. Something that gives you a break from the things you still have to prioritize.

For me, I’ve been trying to consume as much story-related content as possible to keep me thinking about stories even if I don’t want to write my own.

TV

I thought that I was definitely wasting my time by watching so much TV, but it’s actually been kind of nice. I can’t bring myself to write anything… so what else is there to do?

In the past couple months, I’ve:

• Binge watched all of Jane the Virgin and it was really, really good!
• Watched several rom coms, including Dirty Dancing and The Proposal
• Been keeping up with other shows, including This Is Us and A Million Little Things
• Finished watching Falcon and The Winter Soldier
• Watched the Taylor Swift documentary Miss Americana

Reading

I’ve also been reading a bunch too (for once). For the past year and a half, I regrettably haven’t read anything that actually made me enjoy storytelling. That was probably a contributing factor to my burnout. Consuming average and boring content translates into average and boring creation.

Recently, I’ve:

• Struggled through The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (the last book). Still haven’t finished it… but hopefully I will soon?
• Read Fawkes by Nadine Brandes. And you know what? This was the FIRST book in a really, really long time that I actually enjoyed reading.
• Finished a short story collection titled Call Me Ahab by Anne Finger. Technically, this was a book assigned in one of my English classes this semester, but we didn’t finish all the stories in it. I am still in awe of Finger’s engaging prose and playful (probably more ironic) tone.
• Read my signed copy of Instant Karma by Marissa Meyer that I found by accident at Barnes & Noble. I hadn’t gone into the bookstore looking for signed copies… yet there they were and so obviously I had to buy it. A cute little romance, if anyone’s interested.
• Currently in the middle of Romanov by Nadine Brandes. Yes… another Brandes book (just as good, mind you) because I loved her storytelling. I literally read 75% of this book in one day.
• Finished a couple issues of The New Yorker. For my birthday, my grandparents gave me a subscription so I could read the short stories and poems. (Getting published in the The New Yorker is basically a game changer for writers so I’ve got to read what’s there, right?) Ends up, some of their nonfiction articles are interesting too.

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Having zero inspiration isn’t a perfect predicament. Especially in the summertime when I actually can focus all my efforts on my writing no problem.

But as I’ve practiced prioritizing, pausing, and playing with other things, I think I’ve become slightly more balanced. I mean, I’m still not up for writing a whole other novel… or even a three page short story. But the idea of eventually writing something has become more appealing, so there’s that.

To be clear, though, I don’t plan to stop blogging. I want to keep writing, even if I don’t quite make every Monday.

But maybe the fact that I actually managed to write something for this Monday is grounds for a reward?